I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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