My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
