Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
