I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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