i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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