I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
