Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
