Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Randomize