i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
