i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
