remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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