I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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