addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize