But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
