im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
