just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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