I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
