things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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