this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
