All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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