At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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