Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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