Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
