Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
