Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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