remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
