ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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