It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
