btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
