Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize