1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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