I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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