If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
