I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
