I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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