I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
