the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
