Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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