I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize