i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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