I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
