bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
