Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
