If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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