I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
