I hate your face
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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