Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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