I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
God, I missed his penis.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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