just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
