Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
