something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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