I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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