Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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