i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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