My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
