I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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