is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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