Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
