Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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