why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize