So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize